A MONTCLAIR THYMES INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

yesterday someone called out a musician named “13 hands dalien / daniel mcbride (grammy nominee/world music genre)” for always mentioning about how he was grammy nominated, and the “13 hands tribal council of love and good music,” who we at the thymes are assuming is 13 hands himself, responded with a 2400+ word comment/Western European history study.

let’s look at how grammy nominations work by using wikipedia, since it is much easier to read how something is done without being interrupted by 13 hands’ 5-period ellipses points:

Record companies and individuals may submit recordings to be nominated. Nominations are made online and a physical copy of the work is sent to the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences. Once a work is entered, reviewing sessions are held, by more than 150 experts from the recording industry, to determine whether the work is eligible and entered in the correct category for official nomination.

ultimately, 13 hands was officially nominated early in the process. no one can take away the fact that he was nominated.

case closed.

but…

you can’t blame folks for thinking this 13 hands guy is a bit pretentious, since he always follows his name with the fact that he was on the first round of grammy nomination ballots 6 years ago. also, that professor title he usually adds onto himself is a bit misleading, as he’s actually an adjunct that teaches 1 credit yoga courses at montclair state university. that professor title alone assumes he has a phd, which he does not - if he did, we’re sure he’d be “grammy nominated doctor.” 

he’s not necessarily wrong for adding this stuff, but we’re not necessarily wrong for finding it a bit delusive and outstandingly hilarious.

but he, or whoever his “tribal council” representative is, is totally wrong for writing a way-too-long and incomprehensible essay of nonsense in response to a tiny bit of criticism by an anonymous commenter on baristanet.

dear many-handed men: don’t ever do that, ever. i swear.

xoxo the editarghh ~ hyperlocal journalist, linguist, internet guru

were you at the montclair 4th of july parade today? we were, and we were so excited to see all the FABULOUS characters marching down bloomfield ave in the 90-degree heat. unfortunately, there were some that didn’t bring their a-game, but there’s always next year! here are the fab and drab of this years parade outfits:

FAB - this awesome guy and his band, all decked out in bedazzling outfits:

they brought it harrrd and looked great, regardless of the temp.

DRAB - liberty tax reps, who should be welcoming stylists before walk-ins:

come guys and gals, adidas and socks with turquoise velvet robes and no torches? france can keep you!

FAB - this leggy, yellow bird

not sure if you’re supposed to be big bird or not, but you interacted with the kids and that was cool. from the looks of you workin’ in, it looks like you work out. keep it up, babybird.

DRAB - inconceivably creepy tin man/realtor:

you are what nightmares are made of, bruh. i wish i never made eye contact with you.

FAB - lonely gumby strutting across the field at the post-parade picnic:

you can walk through the wall if you wanted to, but you walked all the way across the park instead. you look good, babyboy.

DRAB - this large bus that always ends the parade, but we’re not sure if it is relevant at all to anything:

who is in this bus? is it santa claus? cary africk? dick grabowsky? snooki?

what were your favorite best and worst-dressed moments of this montclair colinfirthofjuly parade? let us know, bruh!

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the lesbian & gay big apple corps was our favorite part of the parade, hands down. here is our video of their performance, and we apologize in advance for any windows/children we break as we start practice our baton twirling outdoors.

the new town council was sworn in yesterday, and that means there will probably be less blogs from cary africk.

just kidding!

well you came and blogged for me
and now there’s so much more i read
and so by the way i thank cary africk

with a new town council comes more hopes and dreams to hope and dream, maybe an increase in taxes, folks threatening to move to canada/bloomfield, less bike jokes about jerry fried, all those weird baristanet commenters that popped up over the election time disappearing until next election season, and maybe more montclair whole foods barbecues (irrelevant to town council, but just as delicious).

keep smilin, keep shinin
know you can always count on cary africk, for sure
that’s what blogs are for

do you ever wonder what the folks who lose town council elections go on to do? we saw real progress montclair moving out of their offices above fleet feet last week. they probably went out for some beers after all that moving on peter zorich’s dime.

since montclair 2012 won, does that mean they lose their positions once 2013 comes around? it’s a good thing renée baskerville chose to do her own thing. she isn’t tied to years or towns. she’s every woman, it’s all in her.

we hope cary keeps blogging about the election. we think that p@tch should hire him to run a “name that cocktail” column, but give him a secret ingredient that he needs to use each week. like salmon, or magic scent crayola crayons.

it’s so hard to say goodbye to cary africk. what do you think about the new town council? let us know, bruh.

“another froyo joint? great news!” - no one

the editarghh’s father always hated yogurt. when it came to the delicious live cultures, he said “i don’t like to taste things that can taste me back.” well, montclairites have yet another place to get tasted because another frozen yogurt place is opening.

why all the yogurt places? we have a couple of theories.

1. demand

for some reason, montclairites think that frozen yogurt is healthy, even after they put on all the fruit and candies that little kids had their dirty mitts in. “well it’s not ice cream, even though it basically is” says everyone that we imagine in our minds. haven’t they seen seinfeld? it’s not fat free!

2. ease

running a froyo place has got to be the easiest thing ever. all you need to do is buy a few yo’ machines that do all the work, hire a bunch of teens to do the rest of it, and boom - you’re an entrepreneurial warrior of the spoon. then you advertise your froyo as “healthy” and make it fun for the kids by putting ipads with angry birds on colorful tables. it’s so easy, it makes our heads explode into bits of cereal, sprinkles, and the goopy caramel clots that keep the good hot caramel from coming out of the dispenser - until you press too hard and you get caramel all over you and the teens.

maybe we should have started a snarky froyo place instead of a hyperlocal snooze blog. maybe there are other types of places this town can use instead of more froyo, like:

• a roller rink
• a bowling alley
• that quiznos that’s been closed for, like, a decade already
• a classy gentlemen’s club
• a classy gentlewomen’s club
• an erotic cake shop
• an indoor batting cage
• a daycare center for teens that don’t work at froyo places
• a permanent halloween store
• an indoor bike path where the only bike allowed on it is the chaicycle

are you excited about p@tch’s news about a new froyo place, or do you think it’s about time montclair gets the erotic cake shop we deserve? tweet at us, bruh.

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it’s so hot and sunny in montclair, the local area street lights that never work are tanning themselves. that, or they are taunting us by holding their baking sheets filled with delicious baked goods out of our pathetically human arms’ reach.

hey jerk lights! focus less on your gawddamn tan and scones, and more on working when it’s dark and scary outside.

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looks like the needle on montclair’s twitter record got stuck y’all.

the thymes street team got together to discuss some ideas for montclair to step up their social media game, and here they are:

montclair thymes’ ideas for montclair to step up their social media game

1. hire a teen intern - you don’t have to pay them because their parents probably do anyway. teen interns are great because they love texting and tweeting and building their resumes without actually having to do anything but text and tweet.

2. let the mayor take over. hilarity ensues.

3. give control of the account to a montclair citizen each week, just like sweden does. if someone starts getting racist, ignore it.

4. keep tweeting “Shop in Montclair to help our small business community.” but replace the o’s with zeros and the i’s with ones like “sh0p 1n m0ntcla1r t0 help 0ur small bus1ness c0mmun1ty.” it’ll look hip like bling bling.

5. give montclair thymes a bagillz dollars and we’ll do it.