P@TCH BREAKS NEWS ON NEW YOGURT JOINT IN UPPER MONTCLAIR, WE BREAK THE NEWS THAT THEY BROKE IT
“another froyo joint? great news!” - no one
the editarghh’s father always hated yogurt. when it came to the delicious live cultures, he said “i don’t like to taste things that can taste me back.” well, montclairites have yet another place to get tasted because another frozen yogurt place is opening.
why all the yogurt places? we have a couple of theories.
for some reason, montclairites think that frozen yogurt is healthy, even after they put on all the fruit and candies that little kids had their dirty mitts in. “well it’s not ice cream, even though it basically is” says everyone that we imagine in our minds. haven’t they seen seinfeld? it’s not fat free!
running a froyo place has got to be the easiest thing ever. all you need to do is buy a few yo’ machines that do all the work, hire a bunch of teens to do the rest of it, and boom - you’re an entrepreneurial warrior of the spoon. then you advertise your froyo as “healthy” and make it fun for the kids by putting ipads with angry birds on colorful tables. it’s so easy, it makes our heads explode into bits of cereal, sprinkles, and the goopy caramel clots that keep the good hot caramel from coming out of the dispenser - until you press too hard and you get caramel all over you and the teens.
maybe we should have started a snarky froyo place instead of a hyperlocal snooze blog. maybe there are other types of places this town can use instead of more froyo, like:
- a roller rink
- a bowling alley
- that quiznos that’s been closed for, like, a decade already
- a classy gentlemen’s club
- a classy gentlewomen’s club
- an erotic cake shop
- an indoor batting cage
- a daycare center for teens that don’t work at froyo places
- a permanent halloween store
- an indoor bike path where the only bike allowed on it is the chaicycle
are you excited about p@tch’s news about a new froyo place, or do you think it’s about time montclair gets the erotic cake shop we deserve? tweet at us, bruh.