"I can’t wait for Edible Arrangements to come to Montclair!"

LOCAL HERO ALERT

MONTCLAIR BRUH PROMOTES GREEN LIFESTYLE, RECYCLES LEFTOVER PARKING SPOT SPACE, MAKES DRIVEWAY NARROW ENOUGH FOR ONLY ECO-FRIENDLY SMART CARS AND BICYCLES TO GET THROUGH

"I moved over to the pharmacy section, seeking rolaids—which they didn’t have. As I stood there in disbelieve and contempt, staring at the shelf, trying to make them appear with my stare, you appeared, gliding through the aisle, looking rather alluring, I almost said so, but thought you probably wanted to be left alone, so I kept it to myself."

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sorry for the slow snoozefest lately. i’ve been busy tripping on the new south park street sidewalks and breaking all my limbs. can’t wait to do this everyday once construction’s over!

great idea separating nice flat sidewalk slabs with cobblestone, though, you guys. definitely not ugly or a pain in the ass to walk on!

hey snoozies, have you been past the south park street construction site? it’s looking good, right?

how crazy is it that it was only 15 weeks ago that we were just strolling down south park street, zig-zag jaywalking from the leone’s to urban outfitters, back and forth, just because we could.

we were younger, then.

remember laying on the sidewalk in front of warehouse cheap/chic, pretending that the shadows were our friends?

now the only shadows are those of the construction workers walking around and causing major gas leaks and bus detours.

i wonder why they are taking so long to make a sidewalk fatter. do you think that the sidewalk overheard me calling it fat? do sidewalks have the same skewed and patriarchal view of “beauty” as us humans and reptiles? you know what i always say - you can lead a sidewalk to a cement truck, but can you make it drink water?

i heard that the next item on the township’s list is to fix the links on the township website so that we can post stuff from there onto the twitter website.

twitter fail, roflmfaolol!

are you feeling overwhelmed with all the construction on south park street? are you tired from the heat and detours caused by it? should we give up expecting a beautiful street in the near future, or should we just keep chasing pavements?

let us know in the comments, or the twitter website.

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A MONTCLAIR THYMES INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

yesterday someone called out a musician named “13 hands dalien / daniel mcbride (grammy nominee/world music genre)” for always mentioning about how he was grammy nominated, and the “13 hands tribal council of love and good music,” who we at the thymes are assuming is 13 hands himself, responded with a 2400+ word comment/Western European history study.

let’s look at how grammy nominations work by using wikipedia, since it is much easier to read how something is done without being interrupted by 13 hands’ 5-period ellipses points:

Record companies and individuals may submit recordings to be nominated. Nominations are made online and a physical copy of the work is sent to the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences. Once a work is entered, reviewing sessions are held, by more than 150 experts from the recording industry, to determine whether the work is eligible and entered in the correct category for official nomination.

ultimately, 13 hands was officially nominated early in the process. no one can take away the fact that he was nominated.

case closed.

but…

you can’t blame folks for thinking this 13 hands guy is a bit pretentious, since he always follows his name with the fact that he was on the first round of grammy nomination ballots 6 years ago. also, that professor title he usually adds onto himself is a bit misleading, as he’s actually an adjunct that teaches 1 credit yoga courses at montclair state university. that professor title alone assumes he has a phd, which he does not - if he did, we’re sure he’d be “grammy nominated doctor.” 

he’s not necessarily wrong for adding this stuff, but we’re not necessarily wrong for finding it a bit delusive and outstandingly hilarious.

but he, or whoever his “tribal council” representative is, is totally wrong for writing a way-too-long and incomprehensible essay of nonsense in response to a tiny bit of criticism by an anonymous commenter on baristanet.

dear many-handed men: don’t ever do that, ever. i swear.

xoxo the editarghh ~ hyperlocal journalist, linguist, internet guru

debbie, no.

why you have to go?

don’t leave this dino bro
hangin’

want to break the news
but all that i can do is snooze
now that you’re no longer in my life
so says the press

thought saying goodbye to africk
was enough grief to make me feel sick

but now, like justin timberlake says, you’re gone

all i’ve got is this poem for you
thanking you for the things done by you

you made hyperlocal cool
and now you are going to work at a school

it’s time for the world premiere
of your new career

 n e v e r f o r g e t u s , d e b b i e g a l a n t

ps. hi liz george.

were you at the montclair 4th of july parade today? we were, and we were so excited to see all the FABULOUS characters marching down bloomfield ave in the 90-degree heat. unfortunately, there were some that didn’t bring their a-game, but there’s always next year! here are the fab and drab of this years parade outfits:

FAB - this awesome guy and his band, all decked out in bedazzling outfits:

they brought it harrrd and looked great, regardless of the temp.

DRAB - liberty tax reps, who should be welcoming stylists before walk-ins:

come guys and gals, adidas and socks with turquoise velvet robes and no torches? france can keep you!

FAB - this leggy, yellow bird

not sure if you’re supposed to be big bird or not, but you interacted with the kids and that was cool. from the looks of you workin’ in, it looks like you work out. keep it up, babybird.

DRAB - inconceivably creepy tin man/realtor:

you are what nightmares are made of, bruh. i wish i never made eye contact with you.

FAB - lonely gumby strutting across the field at the post-parade picnic:

you can walk through the wall if you wanted to, but you walked all the way across the park instead. you look good, babyboy.

DRAB - this large bus that always ends the parade, but we’re not sure if it is relevant at all to anything:

who is in this bus? is it santa claus? cary africk? dick grabowsky? snooki?

what were your favorite best and worst-dressed moments of this montclair colinfirthofjuly parade? let us know, bruh!

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the lesbian & gay big apple corps was our favorite part of the parade, hands down. here is our video of their performance, and we apologize in advance for any windows/children we break as we start practice our baton twirling outdoors.